Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.