Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
shit just got real
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.