*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Good morning, Twitter x
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen