Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust