[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks