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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear