Air conditioning – not a fan
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Jurassic park gets weird
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Stop.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi