What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?