Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.