[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I can also cook 😂
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”