I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!