all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.