I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels