me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day