“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
wow
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”