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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
finally
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.