I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Yup….perfect score!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”