me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air