If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here