Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.