doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Brilliant!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones