when dads have a rap battle
You Might Also Like
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
what does he know…
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.