Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Do one person every day that scares you.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.