[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
the answer was staring at me all along
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.