Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.