there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*