That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.