everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
You Might Also Like
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
the short answer to this question
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.