”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome