My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..