My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple