i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
this is the best day of my life
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’m good, thanks.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve