GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
they finally got him. they got macavity
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
CUTE CAT‼︎
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.