so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
what are they serving at kfc then???
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.