Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You Might Also Like
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA