Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Well, this certainly took a turn
Home is where your toilet is.