Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
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The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Who says great literature is dead?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.