i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
You Might Also Like
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.