i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Rather alarming headline…
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Lmfao
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.