Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.