*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
What the hell is going on?