Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.