I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
You Might Also Like
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
see you in hell you stupid fruit
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The little toadstool has spoken.