80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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“How’s your day going?”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.