Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
wishing you and yours all the best
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.