if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’ve had worse
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.