yes… yes…
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at