Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
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i can’t wait that long
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’