Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I am crying
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?