DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.